Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Saturday
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*