No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.