[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.