We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.