Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
somebody come look at this
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Breaking news:
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.