Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
New Tinder profile.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat