Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette