[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“i miss shittin on people”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!