6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Sheep
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom