Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My safe word is now just a dry cough.