fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Brother?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…