[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same rĂ©sumĂ© when applying for jobs?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: hi! Iâm here for my appointment.
Doctorâs office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then Iâmma put you in a lil room for two hours. While youâre in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
he looks great for his age
My last name is Zilla.
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ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
writer: itâs based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
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writer: *starts walking* ok but thereâs a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
âOh no… Me think Jane home early.â
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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i actually laughed đ©
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My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.