[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman