I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Google assistant rules
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.