A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
road rage