If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
i- i did not expect this
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!