Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
This is amazing.