I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence