The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window