[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
sistine chapel
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.