British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.