I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Ok but actually
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.