Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”