Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.