Current mood: Potato
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever