One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.