HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Anime is real
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
If I ignore life will it go away?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?