Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.