Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
“no gods no masters” = leo
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…