[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.