[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles