in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
same vibe as tangled headphones
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on