Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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Never let them know your next move 😂
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”