He’s dead
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“I FIXED IT!”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro