Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Hey i am sexy to you now
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.