What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning