Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The glory of fall.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.