I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Carpe DM
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.