The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
🔦🌙👣
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…