Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.