Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
i want to work in this restaurant
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?