Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
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Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.