ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.