Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Siri, fight Alexa.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.