My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
This is why I hate group projects
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
same energy
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye