I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
My biological clock is wheezing.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
“you changed” bro i was 15