My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.