[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
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My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?