Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again