the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Tough love is true love
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Stop.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Best mom ever 😂
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!